I'm the kind that loves too easily she says, and she is not completely wrong. I'm an intensely passionate guy and when I find myself attracted to someone I rarely think about holding back. Why the fuck should I? If not now, when... Some might think this is a weakness but I like to think of it as a strength. I like to think that rather than stupid, I am brave. I'm optimistic, rather than a fool.
Recently a girl, let's call her Leisa (no one will be able to crack that code,) has captured my attention in just such a way, captivating my head and my heart at the same time, no mean trick let me tell you. And honestly I could not tell you how long this will last, it could all end tomorrow. Somehow it seems safe and tenuous all at the same time. But right now it feels pretty fucking great. I have fallen for girls before of course, but this feels different and new, and exciting. Part of this is because a while ago I made a decision to make a change in myself, something that comes as a bit of a struggle for me to be honest. I'm a different version of myself and there's a lot that is new, or at least feels it. The other part of it is the girl herself, never before have I ever dated a girl who was so independent, so sure of who she is and so willful in the guarding of these two things. She is in short, the type of girl I have always wanted to be with. But exactly the type of girl I have no experience with, so I find myself a bit caught off guard sometimes.
Let me just provide a little bit of an insight into what I mean here, because I tend to think in a slightly different way to most folk. (Now I am aware that revealing the information that I am about to will further enhance the 'weirdo' label I get but fuck it.) Sometimes, particularly with girls that I like (but not exclusively), I think of conversations like a game of chess. As in, I try and think a few moves ahead and make (for lack of a better word) conversational strategies.
Yes I know, I am a weirdo.
The problem with this approach is that I have never known a girl like Leisa before, so when she makes her 'chess' move and it is not one of the possibilities I had imagined in my head, because it never is, then I have to go off book. And my brain has been so busy thinking up my next move to endless other possible moves that when one arrives that I have not planned for... Well, it panics. It stops working altogether and I end up spurting out whatever is actually in my head without censoring, without hiding the bat shit crazy. This is what I mean when I say caught off guard. The conversation then ends up in a stupid place that nobody had wanted it to go and I'm left like a car crash survivor, just trying to sort out how I got here.
The thing that I have realized though is that I love that she catches me off guard, I love that I don't know what is going to happen next. It's a little bit thrilling and stupid and fun. I have never felt this fun or free in my life. I have spent most of it trapped in my own mind, kidding myself about how much enjoyment I wasn't missing out on, because I was scared to shake things up. I'm still scared but I'm shaking anyway, and for a while now it has been a real struggle, but every day it gets a tiny microscopic bit easier. And I'm a bit more free.
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