Tuesday 28 August 2012

Not like the others

I'm built differently to most boys, although to look at me you may not be able to see it. I know in the greater sense we are all different and unique and special and blah fucking blah, blah... But some of us a more different than others.
It has been my experience that most dudes of the fella persuasion feel the need to prove themselves, now the problem with this is that for the most part they can't always think of a constructive way to do this, as a result they tend to try and prove themselves by dominating another dude. It's basic and animalistic and it's nothing more than macho fucking bullshit. I'm getting a bit fucking tired of the whole thing to be honest. As a general rule I don't participate in it, I mean I try and prove myself but I've always tried to do that through actions and sincerity. And usually when there is another guy who is trying to assert himself in the alpha dog position I am perfectly happy for them to take up whatever position makes them happy, even if it means looking "weak" to others, what do I care, I'm secure in who I am. There are times however, when I get pushed too far, and I am dragged back into the bullshit, everyone has a limit to the amount of shit that they will allow to be hung on them. Every time it happens I end up feeling petty and hating myself a little bit. The problem is, it has been happening a bit too frequently these past few weeks. As part of my New Freddie experiment I have been making a concerted effort to be more outgoing, which has led to some new friendships, with some truly incredible and special people and I can only hope that these people feel the same way about me as I do them. 
One of these people is Little t, he is a smart guy, with a good heart who will be the first to tell you he has seen some shit, in fact you may not be able to stop him from telling you. He is someone who constantly wants to be the alpha dog, he loves the attention, he feeds off of it, like his ego has an appetite. Now for the most part, Little t and I get on great, the only problem is that he is a button pusher, not just with me, with everyone. I'm not sure why, it's not one of the things that I have ever really understood, I guess he's one of those people that likes to get reactions out of people. Like I said I'm different and I don't understand some things. But button pushing is something that I have never really been a big fan of, and I don't really have many buttons that can be pushed, so I guess I am pretty protective of the ones I do have.

For the record - Buttons that do not work on me...

My mother (insult her all you want, fuck I care)
My manhood or (lack of) size of my package
Homosexuality (not afraid of it, kissed a dude once, did nothing for me)
My intelligence
My lack of proficiency with the ladies (I will often joke about this one myself)
The implication that I am whipped
My ability to drink alcohol at a specific rate
My sporting prowess
My knowledge of cars and other symbols of masculinity
Anyway I think you get the point...

Buttons that do work on me...

Food and things related to my consumption of it
Homophobia
Racism
The questioning/doubting of my current relationship (or the girl that is a part of said relationship)

There may be more for each list but these are the ones that came to me as I was writing.

So anyway, Little t has decided that for the last couple of weeks he would combine his alpha dog, button pushing, one upsmanship, macho thing as a result of feeling pretty good about himself (I say decided but the truth of the matter is that it's probably just nature and the was no actual deciding in it whatsoever) and just due to proximity I have been taking most of the brunt of the (I can't think of a better word) assault. I have not always risen to the occasion and I have at times lashed out, making us both look petty and frankly a bit fucking stupid. The most annoying part of it is all of my weaker moments keep happening in front of Leisa and I really feel like I am letting myself down in that regard...

This is something I need to work on, I will add it to my list.


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